Saturday, July 17, 2010

Making a list....

“You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.” ~C.S. Lewis

I forgot how much I love making lists. I used to make lists of everything: grocery list, back-to-school shopping list, what to pack for a trip, what to wear to a wedding, birthday gifts, Christmas gifts, books to read, movies to watch, classes to take, people to call...if I list all the things that I've listed, the list would be endless! 

But one list I haven't made before (at least not properly) is a list of all my goals. So today I started. I sat down and just started writing out everything that I want to have at some point in my life. Not just the big ones like buy a house, but all of the small things that I want to do and haven't found the time to do yet. Things like finish reading Moby Dick - inspired by my sister's own list, I've decided to try and get past page 3.

It's actually quite fun to sit and list out everything that I want in my life. And in fact just creating this list is bringing the very things I want closer (basic quantum physics - if you put it out into the universe you will see it come to be in your life). And, of course, putting things in a list in writing helps me organize my thoughts. So I can focus on making the decisions and getting things done...once things are in a list all that's left to do is pick one and get to work.


“I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.” ~Jimmy Dean






Monday, July 12, 2010

Some days require...Facebook?

I ran into my cousin yesterday at Afrofest (which incidentally was amazing - loved the Congolese singer!). My cousin is one of the few people I know who is not on Facebook - he has reasons. We can all think of reasons not to be on it, right? Privacy concerns not the least of them. But, I think it's too late for me. I find it hard not to log in at least once a day. Even if it's for a few minutes I have to get on and check my home page...it's where I go to see what my friends are up to, catch up day's biggest news story or sports event (congratulations Spain!) and even make plans or find out what's going on in the city that night.

Today I realized another reason that I love Facebook. Of course I check up on friends, sometimes living vicarioulsy through their photo albums (we can't all be hanging out by the Eiffel Tower or drinking Fanta and gin on a beach in Barcelona or packing up and heading to Addis for 7 months!!!). But more importantly, even when I haven't seen a friend for a while or even talked to him/her for days, weeks, months, (and sometimes) years, social networking allows something more. There are people that I wish I could see more of, whose energy is so positive and pure that to be in their company enlifts my soul. And sometimes, as they say 'life gets in the way'. And so I venture online and do some "Facebook stalking"* and through status updates, profile picture updates, likes and wall posts (even if they're not to me) I can recapture the very essence of anyone I want. Whether it's my best friend whose infectious laugh always cheers me up, or my boo whose shenanigans and Americanisms keep me entertained, or my godmother and her funny Tigrenglish (Tigrinia/English) - whoever I happen to be needing in my life - it allows me to connect, to feel enlifted and peaceful as only a good friend can. :)

“In the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.” ~Kahlil Gibran

 





Friday, July 9, 2010

Some days require Courage

"Courage allows those that fail to try again." ~Arthur Tugman


I've always been a social person. As far back as I can remember and, according to my mom, even further back. When I was a child I had lots of friends and the only time I got in trouble at school was because I spent too much time helping my friends finish their work instead of doing my own :) I talked to everyone, passersby on the street, teachers, classmates, my parents, my siblings, anyone and everyone about any and many random things. And as I grew older I always had a large circle of friends and kept my evenings and weekends filled with meetings, clubs and social things. Whether it was sleepovers in elementary school, church groups and school clubs through high school or work, dancing and volunteering in university, I managed to keep myself busy. It wasn't until recently that I discovered the true worth of spending time alone.

Alone. It's a scary word. Being ALONE...truly alone. No distractions from myself. No one else to pay attention to. It's the only time that I can really think. Think about things that I don't want to admit to myself, or things that I don't know how to solve, questions that I can't answer, decisions that I'd rather not have to make.

But the truth is that to avoid the questions that scare me most is to avoid growing. To stop moving forward and spin on one spot. And the one thing I can't do is sit still. Literally and metaphorically. I can't sit in the same spot, doing the same thing over and over. I crave change even though (as I explained yesterday) I am also a bit scared of change. The problem is I get bored if I'm not being challenged so change is necessary. And sometimes I start to feel antsy. I can keep the feeling at bay for a while by doing things that break up my everyday routine. A vacation, an interesting course, a new project, something that I can look forward to, something to keep me occupied and distract me from the mundane.

Today is different. Today those things won't work. These decisions need to be made soon and in fact I'm looking forward to deciding. Once I make up my mind I don't usually change it. (I'm pretty stubborn). I guess that's why it takes me a bit of time to decide...and why I worry that if I'm left alone today I may have to make a change that I'm not ready for.

So I sit here alone. And I pray for courage. I have made my decision, the rest is out of my hands.



"God, grant us the serenity to accept things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference." ~Reinhold Niebuhr

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Some days require Faith

“When you have come to the edge of all light that you know, And are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly.” ~Patrick Overton

Some days it feels like everything is falling apart. Every aspect of my life is either at a crossroads or about to change drastically. Change is one thing that makes me nervous. Not small things but big, HUGE life changes. Not knowing scares me. And on days like today it sometimes feel like the decisions are endless and the future is just a big question mark.

Being home sick in this stifling heat for almost a week, with no air conditioning and a fever makes for very long lazy days. There's not much to do since my headache makes it hard to read and there's only so much tv I can take in a day. So instead I think...which is to say my mind races in circles over the same things over and over again.

But, like usual, just as I start to worry that the worrying will never end something happens, something small, inconsequential in the grand scheme of things...perhaps a facebook message from a friend or a familiar face on the subway. And all of a sudden that small thing, that reminder, that sign from God? brings me back. Reminds me that things are never hopeless. 

So I realize what I have to do and I'm forced to do something drastic...something I wouldn't normally do...I call my mom. Yes, I call my mom and talk to her for over an hour, crying for part of the conversation, yelling for others (sorry Mama) until finally I am completely honest with her and she understands why I am having a nervous  breakdown. And through the arguing and bickering I calm down enough to realize that what she is telling me is right (like always). That some things are in my control, others aren't and I just need to remember the difference. When I hang up the phone I am still stressed out but I start to realize that I have to let some things go...that some things are impossible to foresee and everyone has to take a chance...some things have to be left with God.


"Every experience God gives us, every person He puts in our lives, is the perfect preparation for the future that only He can see." ~Corrie ten Boom